Ever wonder if you’re “That Guy”? Here’s how to avoid it!

#4 Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy

Posted in "That Guy",Advice,Cars,Friends,Humor,Random by ftm6291 on April 7, 2008
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Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy is, in my opinion, the most annoying “that guy” that I’ve yet to post. We’ve all seen this guy on the road, usually late at night or very early in the morning. Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy is rarely seen during rush hour, however, as he does not have a job, and therefore does not have to be on the road while the productive sector of society is on their way to or from work. This guy’s car usually is an early 90’s Japanese or Korean import complete with cracked, oftentimes non-matching ground effects, poorly tinted windows, and a variety of decals on the windows and doors that say things such as “G-Reddy,” “Type-R,” and “NOS.” Every Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy’s car has an extremely loud “performance exhaust system” that he and his meth buddies usually rigged up themselves. However, it is important to note that this “performance exhaust system” rarely, if ever, actually enhances the performance of his POS, as it is merely a mechanism for him to draw as many people’s attention as possible as he’s weaving though traffic. Other stereotypical features on Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy’s car include a fire extinguisher mounted inside the car and positioned in a visually conspicuous place, multiple aftermarket gauges positioned near the steering wheel that are usually not connected to any functional part of the vehicle and serve no purpose other than aesthetics, and a very loud, yet inexpensive or stolen stereo system that he uses ONLY to listen to techno music. Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy enjoys making false claims of his status as a respected and feared street racer, however his vehicle is mechanically incapable of reaching a speed over 100mph. It must also be noted that the various decals and other paraphernalia he uses to decorate his POS are not actually a part of the car. For example, the NOS sticker positioned on his bumper or rear window is just that, a sticker, the car itself has no nitrous booster equipment in it whatsoever. There is very little likelihood we can eradicate Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy from our public streets, however there is hope that one day he will find some success as a meth/ecstasy dealer or a commission-only sales guy. Should this unlikely feat occur, Drives a POS and Doesn’t Know it Guy may actually earn the money and common sense to buy a quality automobile. But for now, I’m sorry to say that I don’t see that happening.    


#3 Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy

Ugghhhh, ughhhhhhhhhhhh, ten, ughhhh, eleven, UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,TWELVE!!!! YES, YESSSS YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

These are the all too familiar sounds of Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy. Most of us go to the gym to try and stay in shape, drop a few pounds, or even get into bodybuilding. The truth is, I don’t care what the hell your workout goals are. I DO care, however, when Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy makes a spectacle of himself in the gym. Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy can come in many forms. Most often, he’ll be wearing either a muscle shirt, sleeveless t-shirt from a fraternity/sorority social, or no shirt at all. He’s usually either bench pressing, doing curls, or some outlandish attention-drawing upper body exercise. You will NEVER see Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy doing lower body or leg exercises. This is simply not in his nature. This guy strictly adheres to upper body exercises, as clearly evidenced by his massive, steroid-esque chest and biceps, yet scrawny, underdeveloped calves, and thighs. Why? Overly Loud When Lifting Weights Guy has no interest in developing the muscles below his waist because, just as his vocally intrusive antics in the gym, he believes that having huge pectorals is the best way to draw attention to himself. There’s noting wrong with being in good shape, be a fucking bodybuilder for all I care; just don’t be so damn loud you draw the attention of EVERYONE in the gym.

#2 T-Shirt Launcher Guy

Posted in "That Guy" by ftm6291 on April 4, 2008
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Ever been to a professional sporting event? Then you’ve seen this guy at least once, which is one too many times. You can easily identify this guy with his overly gelled hair, team-colored track suit (or Zubaz), circa 1994 Oakley sunglasses, and handheld launcher armed with $5 t-shirts. But don’t think you’re getting one of those crappy t-shirts easily; you need to impress this guy. After the whistle blows indicating a stoppage in play and “Everybody Dance Now,” “Pump Up the Jam,” or “Are You Ready for This?” begins to blare over the PA system, it’s t-shirt launcher guy’s time to shine! If you’re at a hockey game, he usually makes his grand entrance by sliding onto the ice on his knees and frantically flailing his arms in the air. Then the taunting ensues, as he begins to exercise his deluded power over the fans by pointing his t-shirt launcher at whichever section cheers the loudest. Which way is he going? Whose gonna get a chance at grabbing a shirt any self respecting individual wouldn’t wear if their life depended on it? I don’t know….THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!! Please t-shirt launcher guy; please fire one of those worthless shirts my way so I can make an ass of myself on the jumbotron, PLEASE!!!! Do you see where I’m going here? T-shirt launcher guy must be stopped, and the only real way to do that is by not contributing to his delusions of grandeur. If you are t-shirt launcher guy, you’re not cool, and if you’re begging for t-shirt launcher guy’s attention, you’re making us all miserable. For the love of God, please stop!

#1 Exotic Pet Owner Guy

Posted in "That Guy" by ftm6291 on April 4, 2008
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Ask any girl who is even remotely attractive if she would date a guy who has a 14ft Burmese Python in his living room and I can assure you that the answer will always be “no,” or some more extreme derivative like “FUCK NO!” Generally any variety of fauna that need be kept in a terrarium is what this guy considers a better companion than a dog, a cat, or even a parrot. At some point in this guy’s life, he decided that a gigantic glass box with some strange reptilian or amphibian creature would look “frekkin’ awesome” right next to the stereo system that used to be in his parents’ basement. More often than not, exotic pet owner guy has long hair, a goatee, and works at Guitar Center. I’m sorry to say that if you are this guy, there’s really no changing you. If you spend your Friday nights playing Iron Maiden guitar tablature with an iguana perched upon your shoulder, I’m sure you haven’t been on a date…EVER. What do you do if you’re friends with exotic pet owner guy? Tell him that “either his collection of Brazilian Tree Frogs goes or you do.” If he chooses you, there may actually be some hope of turning this guy around, but I’m pretty sure he would rather talk to his exotic pets all weekend than have any shot at creating a social life. Once exotic pet owner guy has no family or friends surrounding him, he usually becomes very reclusive and begins to question what he does for a living. Chances are, he’ll quit his job at Guitar Center and being selling his own hand-made snake skin products on eBay. NEVER buy any of these items, because the only thing worse than being exotic pet owner guy is being exotic animal skin clothes wearing guy.     

“That Guy”

We’ve all heard it before. “Don’t be that guy.” Well who exactly is “that guy”? I’ve done all of the research so you don’t have to answer that for yourself. It turns out that “that guy” isn’t just one guy afterall. “That guy” can come in many forms, and in many cases, doesn’t even have to be a guy at all. The one and only thing that everyone who can be classified as “that guy” has in common is that you want to avoid him. Don’t be friends with him, don’t date him, and certainly don’t be him!